Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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