so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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