He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
