You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
