but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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