The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
