i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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