I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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