someone threw a dead crab at me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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