My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
pray to the hookup gods
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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