I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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