I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
