Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
