I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
