...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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