Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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