i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
