Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
