update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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