Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
