Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
