Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
