It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
