My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
