His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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