Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize