Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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