I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
