you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
