you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize