gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
