I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She said her name was "party"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
