After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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