New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize