i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
