thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
