forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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