There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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