did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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