You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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