so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
