i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Are my feet made of real feet?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
