I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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