who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
