I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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