You're earring is so big in my mouth
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
