shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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