I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
