the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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