So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
