I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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