In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
