Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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