I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm really into asian looking animals
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize