There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
