I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
