After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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