Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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