i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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