I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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